August 16, 2002 - 7:23 am

welL ::: i guess i went & did it ::: i went to see this summer's box office smash movie ::: actioN ::: adventure ::: tatoos ::: women ::: x-sports & insanity supreMe :::::::::::::::::: i knew there were new depths to plummet & it doesn't take genius to see that the vin diesel get-fresh crew accomplishes much in their exploration of criminality utilized for the purposes of a bigger & better tattooed america ::: >>> warning ::: >>> i am about to spoil this movie for you ::: if you do not want to know about certain informatioNs concerning the movie & its dialogue jist or plot — read no further ::: however — i highly recommend you read thiS anyhow aS it caN be great fuN to mock the ofttiMe serious attempts of hollywood to create worthwhile entertainment & see that instead they have created something entirely too silly to ever conceive in the imaginations of the most high individuals of the dissident <<< ::: warning so now ::: anyhow ::: what can i say about this xXx movies? ::: >>> welL ::: a fabulous lush film indeed is this xXx ::: to telL the truth on thiS — i waS slightly expecting a dirty movie from the title — no? ::: i joke w/ you my friends ::: hee hee ::: but anyhow ::: we begiN w/ the vin dieselboy portraying a character by the name of xander cage [ although it seeMs more like he portrays himself throughout — i cannot be sure though ] : & so this xanderguy steals some car & crashes it for this generatioN X tv show ::::::::::: he seeMs like a gangsta versioN of the robin hood ::: not really giving anything to the poor however, but definitely stealing from the rich i guess you could surmise ::: >>> so — theN — at this aftershow party the feds bust in & capture the vin dieselguy ::: they put hiM thru soMe tests in columbia & such ::: you know samuel jackson is this sort of evillooking government guy that sort of coaxes diesel into doing soMe undercover spywork in the czech republic ::: this is merely the set up for this movie masterpiece — a reaL arthouse thriller i would say yes ::: >>> theN the vin dieselboy goes to the party for the terrorist group called Anarchy 99 ::: alL easternblock hipsters & such dancing in a crowded cathedral-turned-technoplayland ::: craziness ::: i think the maiN badguy is named Jorgi or something & he has big eviL sideburNs [ truly a nasty guy typecast if ever i have seeN oNe ] ::: welL ::: anyhow ::: we find out that Anarchy 99 is up to something bigtiMe w/ the bioterrorism or something & that this diesel wilL find out moRe & moRe & try to stop the eviL plot ::: but enough of this ::: >>> here are soMe of my favourite parts of the filM ::: as most people would calL the movie wicked phat — i on the other hand think many parts weRe quite unintentionally humourous ::: heRe are the highlights ::: >>> in the beginning — the maiN badguy [ i think Jorgi ] says soMething quite outstanding like 'working is doNe, now we party' ::: heavy easternblock accent ::: i waS looking around the theatre for moose & squirrel following this classic post-schwarzenegger homage supreMe ::: >>> theN — my second favourite ludicroussceNe of the movie coMes much later — toward the discovery of the Anarchy 99 biochemical plot ::: vin diesel is looking thru a castle walL to see the Anarchy 99 Ahab submariNe & soMe sinister thiNgs going dowN ::: soMe czech terrorists begin to enter the caverooM diesel is in & he scrambles to hide his bald head & stunning abs ::: much of the sceNe suggests that xander would hide behind this boiler-like contraptioN off to the right — but — instead — as the diabolical czech snackers much on soMe slovakian fruit salad & crunchy bread sitting on this filthy barrel in the foreground — the camera then reveals dieselboy pushed up into a nook in the ceiling ::: his arms outstretched in a rather unconvincing hollywood effect — the x-gaMe spy struggling to keep hidden in the ceiling w/ beads of sweat collecting on his forehead & about his nostrils ::: theN — of course — soMe ceiling dust falls as our superspy cannot hold on any longer & the 2 terrorists look up to only theN be attacked by this stateside powerhouse ::: >>> i must admit ::: i like the fur-lined coat that vin diesel wears throughout the movie ::: xXx would not be the saMe w/o it ::: >>> just another warning ::: there are about 3 or 4 parachute events throughout the film & maybe half a dozeN motorcycle stuntsceNes ::: near the beginning — a bald stuntmaN barely passes for vin diesel as xXx narrowly escapes the tall bridge carcrash [ the oNe you see in the movie trailers : its wheN his is running to the x-mobile getaway car fulL of x-criminaL accomplices that you see the bad double — perhaps eveN double x — or Xx ] ::: >>> of course theRe aRe maNy womanizing moments filled w/ tragic spylove & whatnot ::: maNy ridiculous camera shots of the back of diesel's neck — the infamous xXx tatoo [ the only unifying element holding the film together for the first hour i believe ] ::: >>> also — theRe are maNy typical actionspy oNe liNeRs & rambo-like grunts that just make you laugh out loud — oh the tears of joy — the insanity of internationaL x-espionage ::: >>> theRe aRe no thumbs oR staRs oN thiS site [ a few fingeRs heRe or theRe ] — & although i found the acting to be bad & the overalL story to be rather embarassiNg — i highly recommend you see this horrible horrible movie ::: its just silly ::: >>>